The Ersatz Complication
by PaperPrince
Summary: Raj and Howard discover they are fathers!Story told from a mostly sheldony point of view. Booth makes an appearance too!


**The ersatz complication**

I hate Thursday morning coffee meeting s with Prof. Gablehauser. Of every horrible social obligation forced upon me this was the worst. I sniffed at the muffin placed in front of me while the idiot made small talk. I politely pretended to listen while performing calculations in my head.

He stopped to sip he tea. From what Penny had explained to me it was my turn to contribute to the conversation.

"Prof. Gablehauser" I started "were you aware that the **bioengineering department are spending their grant money on nappies? Which is strange because I thought Dr **Hardigan finally retired last month. I mean how is it fair for them to exploit money from the finance department while I have to buy my own pens"

I must have upset him somehow as Prof. Gablehauser left suddenly. I sighed and bit into my muffin. Blueberry blah, I spat it out.

It was early afternoon about 2.30; I stood outside Penny's door. It was Thursday her day off.

Knock - Knock - Knock

"Penny"

Knock - Knock - Knock

"Penny"

Knock - Knock - Knock

"Penny"

Penny opened the door

"What?"

"Penny I need you to take me to the comic book store"

"Why"

"Leonard's** playing video games and I don't want to disturb him, he's in the zone" **

**Penny thought for a moment then grabbed her keys. We started to descend down the stairs in silence, but sadly Penny decided to force the exchange of pleasantries upon me. Things were going well until she asked me why I wasn't at work.**

**I sighed and began to explain "The University discovered that the bioengineering department was conducting illegal experiments and forced everyone to take the day off while the police and FBI conduct their investigations " I paused for breath "with the obvious exception of the entire bioengineering department, and strangely Dr Koothrappali and Mr Walowitz who have been taken in for questioning."**

"**OH MY GOD WHY"**

"**I'm not really sure, I suppose they have some connection to the case but one can't fathom what."I turned to look at her "on a more important note Penny can we go to pottery barn they have a sale on and I need new sheets"**

**Raj sat nervously fidgeting next to Howard as they waited in one of the abandoned testing rooms on the second floor. They had been ushered into the room by a very pretty detective almost an hour ago and they had yet to talk to anyone.**

**When an official finally entered the room Howard yelled "I want a lawyer, I know my rights!"**

"**Calm down Mr Walowitz you are not in any trouble" Raj paled at his words worried.**

**The agent was extremely tall and intimidating compared to the blond detective from earlier. But at least Raj would be able to talk to him. He sat down across the table from them and placed a large brown file in front of them.**

"**Nor are you Dr Koothrappali, I just want to talk" he added. "Now then do you gentlemen mind telling me what you know about the Woloppali** program** the bioengineering department was working on?**"

"The what experiment?"

"I think there has been a mistake a Raj and I have nothing to do with the **bioengineering department. Raj is an astrophysicist while I am an aerospace engineer."**

Agent Booth looked at his notes and sighed. This is going to take some explaining he forced a smile as he told them the news. "Congratulations your parents!"

Raj fainted and fell out of his chair, hitting the floor with a thud.

Howard swallowed "what am I going to tell my mother?"

Howard shuffled through the mall in a daze looking for the shops specified on the list along with the items they needed. "Just look at all the stuff they need" he complained to Raj who was busy clumsily pushing the pram along through the crowded shopping mall.

"**It sure was nice of the university to give us those shopping vouchers and this buggy"**

"**Well it's going to take more than that to prevent a law suit Raj. After all it's their fault! You do realise we are stuck with them forever"**

"**Hey don't talk like that Dr Woods said that project 1 and 2 need to grow in a positive environment surrounded by love" **

"**Raj that woman was taken away by the authorities! She's a psycho who used our sperm to create twins with two male fathers. Don't take her advice" Howard snapped a little too loudly drawing the attentions of several female shoppers. In a quieter voice he continued "why don't we just get the basics today and get Penny to help us later."**

**Raj nodded in agreement, he was emotionally drained, and they had yet to buy anything. Finally they found a shop on their list. Raj braced himself as they entered.**

**The Inside of the shop was a **sanctuary of pastels and cotton. Howard and Raj felt like intruders as they were rushed upon by the female shop assistants to Raj's horror.

"What adorable angels" they cooed looking at the sleeping twins, before bombarding Howard with questions. He turned to talk to Raj and discovered him missing, having left him with the buggy.

Elsewhere in the store Raj perused the row of baby clothes picking a few at random. As he reached for a cute pink number, his hand collided with another perfectly manicured hand. He quickly let go of the baby grow and turned towards the next row hoping to avoid a conversation.

"Wait!" a gentle voice cried out "you wanted this one right?" thrusting it out at him. He nodded slowly unable to speak and took it from her.

After some searching Howard found raj with a plump older women, who was quite happily talking away at raj. Howard learned that she was a grandmother called rose who had apparently had a daughter who taught chemistry at the local high school. Howard quickly decided to drag raj away from her and finish with their shopping.

"They are really delightful" she called after them obviously referring to the twins. Raj smiled proudly."And your partner is rather dishy too" she said looking at Howard. Raj gaped at her his mouth opening and closing silently as a blush spread across his cheeks. He and Howard weren't like that!

Exhausted they took refuge in **the low fat yogurt section of the food court, the only place females dared not venture. ** Raj slurped his iced** smoothie wishing it was a** large** grasshopper**. Unfortunately for him the food court was an alcohol free zone.

He tried to listen to Howard but Rose's words replayed in his head over and over again. Was that how everyone saw them? A couple? Sure the guys teased them a bit but...

Raj suddenly became aware of all the stares and odd looks they had received while shopping. At the time he had assumed people were looking at the twins. His mind started to wander, remembering the kiss he and Howard had shared a few months earlier, before Bernadette had left.

Raj sat lost in thought, too busy to notice a food fight start on the opposite side of the court. That is until a falafel hits him squarely in the face. Howard grabbed his hand pulling him under the table.

"Raj I think we need to leave right now!"

After a short but heated discussion they decided to leave.

"Dude why are you so angry? You told me to take the pram and go"

"Yes but i didn't expect you to run off yelling hit him! Hit him!"

"I'm sorry what did you expect me to do I panicked alright!"

Howard sighed "let's just go get this over with ok"

"Fine but are you sure about this?"

"I just think its best we tell them in person, before the see my face book up date you know"

"You changed your face book status already?"

"Haven't you?"

"Never mind we don't have time for this, Sheldon was expecting us an hour ago"

They had finally reached Leonard and Sheldon's apartment. It was time.

**It was early evening, 6.13. Having returned from shopping Penny and I were engaged in a fierce battle against **Leonard**. Mario screeched round the corner knocking peach into the wall reclaiming first place.**

**The finishing line in sight I could taste my victory approaching, when somebody knocked on the door. Eager to accept my trophy I yelled "it's open" **

**Howard entered awkwardly, struggling to fit all his shopping bags through the door. Raj followed behind pushing a large silver pram. His arms were also full. **

"**Where did you get all that stuff?" asked **Leonard pausing the game.

I glanced at the labels on the bags unable to recognise any of them.

Before they could answer Penny interrupted.

"Howard where did you get that baby?"Penny's finger pointing to the cherub in blue strapped to haward's chest by some sort of harness.

"**Is it yours?" **Leonard interjected

"Of course he's mine"

"What's his name?" enquired Penny

"Howard Junior"

"Great just what we need two of them" replied Penny though her face suggested otherwise.

**I stared at him my mind whirring at a phenomenal speed trying to process all the information. My left eye began to twitch uncontrollably. A strangled "huh" escaped Penny as Howard slumped down in the green armchair putting down his bags. Raj wandered off into the kitchen looking for a beer.**

**He unstrapped the baby and sat him on his lap before beginning his explanation.**

"**Remember when Raj and I needed money for comic-con so we decided to donate sperm to the bioengineering department for research purposes."**

**We nodded in unison.**

"**Well apparently the bioengineering department was researching into the possibility of creating life using machines." **

"**What were their findings?"**

"**This" Howard said holding up the baby.**

"**So that's why the authorities wanted to talk to you earlier." **Leonard **Said **connecting the dots.

Penny who was apparently feeling maternal gently took the baby from Howard and began to play with him. Upon closer inspection I observed that his complexion was fairly dark even for someone of Jewish decent and his tiny eyes were chocolaty brown in contrast to Howard's deep blue ones.

I turned to look at the pram. On impulse I followed my instinct and walked over to it. Looking inside I saw another one. I called to Raj "is this one yours?" pointing to the baby in the pink jump suit.

"They both are, her name is princess** Panchali**" he answered before taking another sip of beer.

Howard junior had fallen asleep on Penny's lap so Howard took him off her and placed him in the pram alongside his sister.

Chinese takeaway boxes littered the apartment. It was an hour after my self-imposed bedtime and I was tired.

The babies had been fed and settled down for the night with penny watching over them. Raj and Howard had fallen asleep on the couch -much to my annoyance. As they lay curled up together under a blanket I couldn't help but think that Beverly may have been right about them. After all she was a remarkable woman. Meanwhile Leonard had departed to his room.

Worried that the babies might die of neglect- raising newborn animals on a farm did not make penny an expert on children- I sat at my desk writing up a basic parenting contract well into the early hours. I stopped and reread the last few sentences, checking for any mistakes, as I refused to rely on a spell checker that was prone to mistakes.

_**Child care to be covered by the university.**_

_**What to be called by kids Raj papa and Howard daddy - I assumed neither wanted to be called mommy.**_

_**Religion a mix of Hinduism and Judaism- or else their mothers would kill them.**_

_**The Children's names Howard Junior and Princess Panchali - although I did not approve of naming a baby after someone without a PhD it seemed that they had already bought several monogrammed items that could not be returned. At least Raj had chosen a suitable name, having read the book after much cajoling. Currently their surname was undecided, maybe Walowitz – Koothrappali although it was a mouthful.**_

Howard's phone buzzed in his pocket waking him. He looked round the room, disorientated for a second before remembering the events of yesterday. He groaned and answered his phone.

"Howard where are you? Why didn't you phone me?" His mother's harsh voice shrieked in his ear. He sat up on the couch, raj's arm affectionately wrapped round his waist. He smiled as he freed himself from the embrace. Maybe parenting wouldn't be so bad, after all he had raj to help him.

He returned to the phone. "Ma calm down I'm fine, I'm at Lenard's. Anyway, listen I have some things I need to discuss with you. How would you feel about raj moving in with us?"


End file.
